Being Human

This past weekend I was thrilled to practice with one of the best teachers. Jimmy Bernaert was visiting Abhaya Yoga in Dumbo for 3 wowzer classes. What I love so much about Jimmy’s teaching is his simplicity in language and direct pulse to the heart of the matter, and heart of everything. He also kicked our buts in serious 3 hour practices both Saturday and Sunday. So direct in his style, just boom, boom, boom; pose, direction, breath, change sides. Amazing and very deep. He’s one of the greats for a reason.

I’ve known Jimmy for about 10 years, and he and his wife Ruthie were my first teachers for an Intro To The Principles class at the original Yoga Mandali over there on Laguardia Place. A tiny, tiny studio, the room fit maybe max 25 people. Jimmy and Ruthie were stellar first teachers of the methodology of Anusara for me, and stellar examples of difference and how it can balance. He being nearly 6’5″, and she a petite 5′ somethin’. Married, co-teachers, co-parents; they’re just so lovely.

Jimmy and I reminisced about a funny moment we shared some 3 years ago at a Therapeutics training with John Friend in Miami. A pretty intimate group of 50 or 60 gathered, and John did as he always had done – had me stand up for a demo of how to spot a drop back (standing, dropping back into full wheel) with the nearly 6’5″ Jimmy. Ruthie was in the room and the first thing I thought was ‘don’t drop him in front of his Ruthie!’. I was a little nervous. John prompted me, nervous or not, and I held Jimmy’s pelvis, rooted him down as HARD as I possibly could, and despite that momentary shift in weight from the student where the teacher BEST be tuned in to root them steadier where I ALMOST lost him,  he went down smooth on his hands. Then I picked him up too. He said it was the best drop back assist he’s ever had.  I felt relieved I didn’t drop my dear friend Jimmy in front of his lovely wife Ruthie, and proud I found the strength inside myself to do it.

This sweet story reminded me of my first TT with JF, back in 2002 here in NYC. I was fresh out of my first TT at Virayoga, bubbly and excited. When we did drop back assists, I dropped my co-student, Esther Peyron. I love Esther! OMG, I dropped her. On her head.

John saw this and came over immediately. Who knows what he really said, but what I remember him saying was something like “You don’t ever drop anyone. Ever”. Truly, when I think about it now the image of him at that moment is totally distorted, like in movies when they try to show a delusioned person’s viewpoint, his face all jello-like, like I’m tripping or something. Either way, John came over, said something like “don’t drop anyone, ever” to me, and picked Esther up and proceeded to do the drop back with her correctly. (Later, I learned that doing that helps the student quickly shift away from the trauma of being spotted incorrectly, so long as they’re not injured or dizzy).  Needless to say, I ran to the bathroom sobbing, feeling terrible that I hurt my friend Esther, and that I had fucked up so bad in front of my teacher.

From that day on, every time I did a John training or workshop, it didn’t matter what side of the US we were on, he called on me to assist the biggest guy in the room in a drop back, and later it became Handstand. I always got so nervous when the wave of the class got to drop backs or Handstands, cause I knew he’d call on me.

It took me until this past weekend with Jimmy to realize that John was teaching me all these years. Despite me feeling insecure, like he was picking on me or being hard on me. He was training me. Yes, teaching me to be a good teacher and learn how to balance my small frame against someone else’s larger frame for challenging assists like back-bend drop backs and handstand. Talking with Jimmy though, it finally hit me. He was teaching me, training me, to be big, be strong, stay firm in my heart and legs and well, ME. He’d been teaching me that all along from that day in 2002. Which by the way, was the first time I’d met him.

I have never dropped anyone in a drop back (or Handstand) since 2002. Ever. That’s a record of 1-in-ten.

Why did it take me till now to realize he was teaching me, not picking on me or trying to criticize me? Because now I see him as human. Well, actually I always have seen him as human. Looked up to him? Yes. Deify him? No. He’s let me down equal measure to the times he’s supported me as I’d hoped. Again: Human. We’re both Human.

Sometimes you don’t realize when you’re being taught something. We’re human. It means ‘mortal’, but also vulnerable, fallible, imperfect, compassionate, humane, tolerant. As a noun it means individual, soul, earthling. Yup, we all are that. Yup, we all are being taught something. Yup, we will mess up again.

But I will do my damndest to hold onto my record of 1-in-ten.

 

*Inspired by conversation with Alicia Mathewson today. Thank you sweet friend and great songstress.